Once I was comfortable.
I knew where I fit.
I knew what to do.
I knew who I was-I was a pastor's wife. I was a deacon's daughter. I was a BJU graduate. I was a good girl.
But my husband heard God calling us to reach out, to step out beyond our walls to go into the community, to show God's love in tangible ways. And when we did, our world shattered.
Friends forsook us, nearly all without even saying goodbye. Long-time members withdrew from the church, leaving us facing serious financial difficulties. Our parents criticized us. My husband's seminary disapproved. A local pastor preached against what we were doing and said we were preaching "another gospel."
My reputation? My connections? My social life? My church? My self-image? Broken.
And as I wept and grieved for what I'd lost, I began to see how I'd filled my life with idols - idols of comfort, of seeking the approval of others, of self-righteousness. I'd thought I was trusting God, but when the dark times came, I was filled with fear and regret .
I wanted to be confident, admired, and respected. God wants me humble and broken. I wanted to be well-known and appreciated. God wants me to be content with being forgotten and unknown. I was shocked to realize the contrast between what I thought I was (a Godly woman) and what I was being revealed as a shallow, selfish, dissatisfied person who could talk easily of following Christ but found the reality of it difficult indeed.
Someday I want to rejoice in my freedom in Christ. Someday I want to dance and sing knowing that I am accepted and beloved as I am, that I no longer have to keep long lists of rules and expectations in order to be accepted by God.
But for now, I'm hurting and lonely and overwhelmed. I'm torn between my desire to follow my Shepherd outside the camp and into the world and my tendency to run back into the gentle, sheltered safety of the life I knew, where I could bask in the approval of other Christians and where I could keep so busy with church activities that I'd never have to come in contact with the complicated neediness of real people.
My self-sufficient image of good girl has been revealed to not be good enough. In the end, what matters is that I am found in Christ. "Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5).
Today's powerful testimony was sent in by "Shattered".
Jesus Redeems!
14 comments:
Although I am not a Pastor's wife, nor have I ever been one, I also was shattered when we chose to leave our church. We lost friends, and home school connections.
The freedom and acceptance I feel now, far outweighs the loss I felt at the time. The church we began to attend has had a HUGE impact on our family and we are doing better than ever in Christ. God is good.....all the time.
You are on the right path and I pray healing for you..
You ARE loved by Jesus!! Cling to Him in your pain. I have a smidgen of understanding, I have family that went to BJU. I felt judged for years because I didn't walk in that "camp". I didn't listen to the "right" music, dress the "right" way, go to the "right" kind of church and I felt judged. We use to joke about the special room in heaven for BJU people because they wouldn't believe anyone else was in heaven. I can understand a little bit of your pain. BUT I love Jesus and am striving to serve Him and alway have. He is my judge not man, thank goodness! He knows my heart and He knows yours!
Dear Shattered: Run! Run! Run! Run forward to the freedom Jesus offers. Please don't go backwards to where you came from. Egypt may look appealing when you are down and lonely, but it is filled leaks (not the food kind) and onions (that will make you cry tons). Please resolve not to go back.
I read this again and had to comment again. You are right in saying there is a world of neediness out there. People need Jesus and we must go to them, love them, love them, love them, extend grace over and over! We are to be a witness of Jesus not a lawyer or judge. It is SO easy to stay in comfort and to busy ourselves with other believers and church activities. But how will the world know Him if we don't get out there? I long to be around unbelievers so that I can be a light. Jesus was a friend to the glutton, drunkard, tax collector and sinner (Luke 7). In Acts 10 God revealed to Peter to go and eat with the Gentiles, eat the unclean food and share the truth! It was against everything Peter knew and had been taught. Most people won't step foot in a church and if we are to be a light to them we have to go to them. It's OK! I Peter 3:15 "...Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. BUT do this with GENTLENESS and RESPECT." Oh dear sister in Christ please cling to Jesus and find your worth in Him not in the approval of man, or BJU, your former church or even your parents. It is Jesus that will say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." He is the judge, He knows your heart and He is perfect and judges fairly. You are LOVED!
I find myself choosing "comfortable' over and again.
Getting 'uncomfortable' is risky for relationships, like Shattered says, and for selfesteem. But,in the end, uncomfortable is where true peace lies. That's wheere God is at.
Shattered- You are brave, you are beautiful and you are not alone. We support and encourage you on this journey. You get grace dear friend.
Shattered...you are loved more than words can say by the One who knew that all of this would happen before you ever took the first step to freedom. May you find comfort in that knowledge, peace for today and courage to keep moving forward.
The most gloriously beautiful fruit comes from the ashes of our living sacrifices. There is pain in the offering of our selves, but it is a pain that brings true healing and makes room in our lives for God's glory and grace to be poured out. Thank you, Shattered, for being real and honest and vulnerable and allowing your brothers and sisters, members of the same Body, to see you and stand with you and share with you in the pain and the glory!
Shattered...
I want you to know that you are not alone. I have walked where you are... as a pastor's wife, I have felt more hurt and pain from church folks than the abuse I have experienced in my past. I let my guard down and trusted...
and had that trust shattered.
My life is in ruins... from bad transitions, I have lost everything- financial, tangible, friendships, etc...
BUT I have gained freedom to be ME. No longer viewed and described as a great "two for one deal" - I am now able to walk forward in who I am, in who God created me to be.
I would love to chat with you, I am sending you tons of sincere love. ashley@potsc.com - or text me 619.928.4106- your identity will be in strict confidence... trust me, I know what it is like for people to research and use blog post against me... ugh.
Shattered- I have no words! My mask too has come off and it's very lonely when church people see real. I want no part of the charade and have walked away from organized religion!
Shattered~ Your post spoke so clearly to me today. I am also a Pastor's Wife and I feel so much the way you do (and Ashley above as well). I am so thankful that our Father does not leave us to pick up the shattered pieces alone. I find that it's like looking for treasures...like sea glass along the shore...I recently wrote a blog post all about it, but was hesitant to post. You've encouraged me to post it by showing us your courage. Big hugs to you. I don't know you, but I know some of what you are going through. <3
Shattered--Thank you so much for sharing your story. It can be a lonely road, I know. My prayer is that God will bring people who can walk alongside you on this journey and encourage you. He is so faithful to hold us up when we are slipping and tired. Keep pushing forward and following His call for you--the reward is far greater than the cost. You are loved and adored. (((hugs)))
Shattered -
I live in the same town as BJU and have known people that went through what you have experienced. My heartbreaks for you just like it has for them!! In the past, I have filled my life with the same idols of comfort, approval from others, and self-righteousness. I know the feeling of ease that comes when you stay in that cycle. But I also have tasted the other side. And it is so much sweeter. Don't give up!! You are not alone. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. It took guts. And it has and will help many.
You are accepted. You are chosen. You are redeemed. You are loved. You have value.
Thank you all for your kind words. I am still healing and am learning daily to rejoice in freedom and love. I'm far from where I'd like to be in Christlikeness, but the glorious thing is that I don't have to live in shame over that because HE bore my shame. He is my Redeemer, my Savior, the One Who is leading me and refining me and upholding me.
I don't feel "Shattered" any longer; I know that God my loving Father is rebuilding me!
Post a Comment